My Submission for Ellen's Bad Paid-For Photos

Do you guys watch Ellen?

I sure hope so because... well, because it's just such a happy place. It's such a perfect blend of creativity, celebrity, generosity... and HUMOR. My God, I know Ellen's a comedian, but seriously. The amount I laugh out loud at each and every episode is legitimately unreal.

Anyway, so as some of you are aware, I have a list of things I want to do over the course of the year (not really a new year's resolution list, since I don't believe in resolutions and since I created this list in May, but you get the idea, right?).

One of my goals?

That's right! Going to the Ellen show (well, if we're going for accuracy here, I actually want to be ON the show... but whatever, I'll settle for going to the show as well)!!

OMG- if I end up getting tickets to an episode of the Ellen show when Rosie and Sophia Grace are on, I will ABS-olutely die. Have you seen these girls?!?!?! They are only the most adorable girls EVER- Ellen discovered them through a random YouTube video she found and now they are TOTAL celebrities. For good reason, too... these gals have some personaliTAY.

Anyway, sorry, that was a slight tangent. I get a little overly excited (surprise, surprise). Back to the point of this post... okay, so if you do watch the Ellen show, you are aware of a recurring segment that Ellen has called "Bad Paid-For Photos". Basically, it's an opportunity for people to send in GODawful pictures of themselves from way back in the day that... well, that everyone can laugh at.

I know, I know. Most people shudder at the thought of reliving some of their childhood pictures (I mean, Glamour Shots? Wowza, that's all). But, well, who DOESN'T have a bad photo from back in the day, right?

Right. Since shamelessness is my middle name, I've decided to take my chances and submit a picture for Ellen's "Bad Paid-For Photos". The things I'll do to get on TV, really... sooo, are you guys ready for it?

Voila!

That's right. Hello, third-grade. How I had any friends in the third-grade is fairly questionable, given the hot mess state I was in. I mean, there is NOTHING right about this picture! What in heaven's name were my parents thinking, letting me out the door in this state? And to think... this is what I looked like on school picture day, when more effort than usual was put into my appearance... scary, huh?

Here's the thing- if you know me at all, you know that I care very little about my appearance in general. But this picture? I mean, that's taking "caring very little about my appearance" to a whole new level.

All I have to say is- God bless the inventors of braces and contact lenses. Heavens.

And those BUTTONS?!?!?! Those SHOULDER PADS?!??! I understand it was the 80s and all things wrong in fashion really came outta the woodwork, but really? REALLY.

And finally, let's discuss... that HAIR?!?!?! One, WHAT is that haircut? The bangs aren't even close to being evenly chopped (I forget... I may have done this myself... awesome.), the bottom of the hair isn't close to even (and you KNOW I wasn't aiming for a "layered/angled" look)... and well, again, God bless the inventor of the hair straightener.

And heavens- I can't believe I almost forgot to point out those GLASSES?!?!?! I mean, clearly (clearly) I was a fan of pink... but really? Those pink frames? No words...

Ah, the good ol' days. If anything, I would like to think that this post will give kids hope. Hope that things CAN get better as you age. (Ah, the Maliyacular... deep, isn't it?) I mean, if one individual can go from THIS:

To THIS*:

...Well, at least you know you can go nowhere but up (and by "up", I just mean anywhere north of... well, that third-grade train wreck).

*Although most of you reading this are aware of what I currently look like, I had to insert this "current state" picture per Ellen show requirements, as I'm simply linking to this post for my submission to the Ellen show.

Here's to You, Biscoff Butter

So I have a guilty little secret.

You know how plane food is notoriously disgusting (if even existent, given how stingy airlines are nowadays)? I'm right with ya... I'm not a picky eater by any means, but you really just can't get plane food right by any stretch of the imagination.

With one exception.

Now, I don't fly Delta all too often, but the few times that I have... well, I've discovered a random little silver lining in the world of airline food.

Have you guys ever had Biscoff cookies? Delta hands out little packages (with two mini cookies in each package) on most of their flights, I believe.

I. Am. Slightly obsessed. With them. Without fail, I always help myself to one little package of cookies when the stewardess comes around the first time... aaaand then proceed to shamelessly stalk the stewardess throughout the flight with just a few friendly follow-up inquiries for "just a couple more packages of those sweet little cookies you were passing out earlier".

Hey, at least I'm friendly and innocent. It helps things out quite a bit, if you will.

Anyway, if you haven't had Biscoff cookies before and you don't really fly Delta all too often, not to fear! Just recently (and by recently, I mean a few years ago, because quite frankly, when it comes to something as important as cookies, I do my research), I discovered that they SELL those cookies at GROCERY STORES!!! Each time I go home to Cincinnati, you better believe I stalk my neighborhood Meijer for package after package of those dear sweet little Biscoff cookies.

I mean, my GOD. If you've ever had these before, you'll totally understand the (slight) obsession. So sweet, so delicious... happiness in a cookie, if you will.

Given my love of the Biscoff cookie, you can only imagine my jaw-dropping DELIGHT when I learned that the land of Biscoff has expanded to... Biscoff butter.

OMG, I just tried typing a few sentences and just had to keep deleting them because they were nothing but frenzied, spirit-fingery nonsense. In short, BISCOFF BUTTER IS ONE OF THE GREATEST CREATIONS IN ALL THE LAND.

I have been DYING to try Biscoff butter for like the past year or so, when I first heard about it through a blog I stalk follow. I'd originally heard that Biscoff butter was only sold at places like World Market (which I never really go to), but each time I went to any other grocery store,  I would be keeping my eyes peeled. But to no avail, to say the least. For the life of me, I could NOT track this stuff down ANYWHERE I shopped (okay, granted, I could've branched outta the world of Trader Joe's for a bit, but whatever).

Anyway, imagine my utter DELIGHT when I go home to Cincinnati last weekend... only to discover that my mom had seen the Biscoff butter at our neighborhood grocery store and thought it looked "interesting". I can safely say that "freaking out" didn't even begin to describe my reaction when I spotted the stuff right in my family's kitchen. Let me just tell you... it took NO time at all for me to take a spoon to that jar of Biscoff butter sitting right on my family's kitchen island. And even less time than that to help myself to a second... and sure, maybe a third heaping spoonful.

Oh my God, you guys just don't understand. This stuff is everything I hoped and DREAMED it to be... and more!!! It looks exactly like peanut butter (which I am also slightly obsessed with and can eat by the straight up spoonful... God, yeah), but hooooooly mother, move OVER, peanut butter, you have got some LEGIT COMPETITION!! Biscoff butter, while similar in consistency to peanut butter, is MUCH sweeter than peanut butter... it's more of a cookie butter* than anything else. AND you can choose between a crunchy variety or a creamy variety. Since I love crunchy peanut butter over creamy, I figured the same would hold true for crunchy Biscoff butter over creamy.

Well, I can't even compare, because I've only just begun my Biscoff butter sojourn and only tried the crunchy variety thus far. And holy mother, it's everything I could possibly imagine it to be... it's not crunchy like crunchy peanut butter, but rather, more like a grainy type of spread... it's basically Biscoff crumbs mashed into the spread itself.

AMAZING.

You better believe I currently have two containers of crunchy Biscoff butter sitting in my kitchen cupboard because I DEFINITELY hit up the local grocery store when I was in Cincinnati so I could stock up for my Chicago apartment.

AND!! It was on sale and everything!! Bonus time!!! It was just meant to be, if you will.

Seriously, guys. I HIGHLY recommend you go to your neighborhood grocery store and find yourself some Biscoff butter. You will NOT regret your OWN decision to "take a spoon to the Biscoff butter", as dainty as ladylike as I made this experience out to be.

*Have you guys tried Trader Joe's cookie butter before? HOLY MOTHER, before I discovered the wonders and glories of Biscoff butter, Trader Joe's cookie butter sufficed... and do NOT get me wrong, Trader Joe's cookie butter is one of the most heavenly things ever to grace this fine planet we call Mother Earth. Second only to Biscoff butter, if you will...

Goodbye TV... Hello, iPhone...

Hi friends!! It's been sooo long, trust me, I know. While I have limited to no justification for not keeping up with my blog, I would like to chalk SOME of the blame up to that two week stint we called the Olympics... how anyone is expected to do anything but keep one's eyes glued to an NBC channel of sorts is beyond me.

Anyway! I'm back! To be fair... I've been pretty lazy the past few weeks- I haven't really done anything that actually warrants a blog post... granted, that's never stopped me from yapping about nothing in the past, but whatever.

So why the sudden return to blogging? Well, aside from the fact that it is, in fact, one of my favorite things (I swear! It is!)... I have to chalk this return to... my defunct television.

I came home Friday emotionally, mentally and physically drained (God bless what corporate America can do to people)... all ready and set just to PARK it in front of my television for the en-tire evening (despite the GORGEOUS weather Chicago's been having as of late!). Well... this plan would have worked out just fine and dandy if, lo and behold, I hadn't turned on my television set like immediately after entering my apartment only to find that, while I can see the picture perfectly clearly, there was zero audio. Wtf (and yes, for those of you who know my ditzy ways well enough, I DID check the Mute button, thank you very much).

Argh. It was the last thing I wanted to deal with on a Friday evening. A quick call to Best Buy (where I bought the TV three years ago... I didn't know who else to call!) and I realized that, not only did the TV need to be taken in for inspection (I was hoping they could just identify and fix the problem over the phone... sigh) but I had to take it in myself (since my TV was less than 46 inches).

What the...

If you know me at all, you know I lack a lot of general common sense/practicality in my personal life. So there I was, just staring at my 26-inch TV, truly contemplating how the hell I was expected to lug that thing half a mile to my neighborhood Best Buy store.

Note to self- trying to shovel a 26-inch TV into a paper Gap bag is NOT the solution.

Well, WHAT?! I had limited resources in which to lug something so large around! Next try...

Believe it or not... this did the trick.I didn't think this was actually going to work, but my TV certainly DID end up squeezing into the largest piece of luggage that I owned. Sigh, this is like the DEFINITION of ghetto, right? But oh well... creativity does have its perks, I guess. Ugh, but look at what a hot MESS emptying my suitcase caused! Again, not the way I was planning on spending my Friday night.

Anyway, so I ended up (carefully) dragging that suitcase to my lobby and hailing a cab to take me the half mile to Best Buy (...what, you think I was going to be walking?)... only to find out that they were going to have to ship it in for an estimate and could take at least 2 days to get an estimate (that doesn't even include the time it'll take to fix the TV!).

What else could I do? I dejectedly left my beloved TV at Best Buy and traipsed on home... only to have a slight panic attack when I got back to my apartment (the same slight panic ensued when I awoke on Saturday morning as well)... you know you have an addiction to TV when your heart literally clenches at the mere thought of having to go TV-less for an entire weekend. Seriously, I had no idea how I was going to fill my time. (In keeping with my apparent month of MIA-ness, I didn't have any significant plans for this weekend.)

But MAN!! It's amazing how much more PRODUCTIVE I am without my TV! Who would've THOUGHT?? Let's see, I did some chores...

I went to the salon...

I rediscovered my love for reading (please note that I hadn't begun this book until Saturday morning... and that's where I was by Saturday evening...

I discovered my new favorite Trader Joe's sweet treat (holy YUMMMMMM!!!!)...

I did some shopping...

Full stop. Like how I just snuck that last one on in there? Sure, these bags are clearly reflective of all things "necessity" in life, but let's focus here on that little tiny white box... with the iconic APPLE symbol! That's right, my friends- I got myself a little iPhone!

Okay, to be fair, this was kind of an impulse buy... I mean, I'd been having issues with my Droid (don't even GET me started), but I'm pretty low-maintenance when it comes to technology, so I've just been "dealing" with the Droid issues. I'd honestly just gone into the Verizon store to innocently ask how I can fix my Droid this time around... and, well, I'm sorry, but I can't help it that I happened to talk to like one of THE most charming sales guys that I've ever encountered on a visit to a Verizon store (normally, as soon as they start going into all these details about all the high-tech things phone A vs. phone B can do, I get bored and zone out). But MAN!! I wish I'd snapped a picture (because that wouldn't have been awkward at all)... he was just the most adorable, most friendly, most patient, most funny, most, well, not gonna lie, kind of smooth talking people I'd met! AND!!! He was giving me discounts left and right!! I felt like I was winning the lottery with each little "accessory" I was picking up along the way!! (This is not an exaggeration- there was even one point in my little shopping spree where his fellow sales guy was like "Jesus, why don't you just GIVE her the stuff for free at this point?")

So that, my friends, is how I wound up with an iPhone. I'm a sucker, what can I say? But in my defense, I got a good DEAL, thank you very much.

Oh, I guess I got kinda sidetracked. Whoops. Hahaha. This was supposed to be how much more productive my life has become sans TV... but... well, this counts, right? You tell me when finding true love at the Verizon store isn't a true measure of life productivity...