Sunday, June 13, 2010

How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian)

i cant get over this article! i mean, the title really does say it all: "How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian)". as soon as i saw this posted on one of my friends' facebook walls (ah facebook. how i heart thee.), i knew i was going to be in for an entertaining read.

for those who only peripherally know me, i should preface this post with a slight disclaimer... dont be fooled by the color of my skin in that profile picture of mine... anyone who remotely knows me can easily attest to the fact that i am just about the whitest indian girl alive. a indian valley girl, some have even said. sigh. i mean, i tried, i really did. in college, i pretty much only had indian friends! what better way to immerse myself in the indian experience? yeah, it didn't work. at all. rather, it turned out that the one white girl in my close circle of college friends actually became more indian than me... hell, she was citing bollywood movies, had her high school sister sign up for bharat natyam (some sort of traditional indian dance) classes, was actually able to differentiate between "hindu" and "hindi" (one of the lower, more embarassing points in my early college years, i must admit), was regularly using terms like ABCD (american born confused desi... wtf, who comes up with these kinds of things and how was i supposed to know what that meant? apparently it's as common as OMG is to IM, but still. really? really.)... and the like.

anywayy, so this article is essentially designed to tutor non-indian people about how to approach/engage indian people in conversation, because, apparently, indian people are like the cream of the crop? who wouldve thought? what better way to mentally brace... i mean, prepare... myself for the indian onslaught that's only bound to ensue at this indian wedding i have coming up next weekend? a whole bunch of conversation starters right here in one article!

so below, i present to you a step by step analysis of the article's seven pivotal steps in order to ingratiate oneself into an indian person's life...

1. Have an opinion about shahrukh kahn (SRK).
-is it really so wrong that as soon as i read this point, i was like who the hell is shahrukh kahn? no, seriously. is he famous? apparently he is. so the article claims. and apparently everyone else seems to know this.

2. Have a favorite Indian actor (examples given were: shahrukh kahn, salman khan, aamir khan, hrithik roshan, and amitabh bachchan)
-sweet! sure, i have no idea who ANY of those kahns are, and have only heard hrithik roshan's name mentioned randomly once (he was in kites, right?)... BUT amitabh bachchan!!! yess!!! a recognizable name! granted, i have no idea what movies he's been in. i only know of him due to the reference that was made in slumdog millionaire to him (remember? at the beginning? with the bathroom scene?) by the little boy main character (who im only slightly obsessed with...and by slightly obsessed with, i mean i want to adopt him as my own). and these are just examples that the article cited. i mean, there are plenty of other indian actors i can reference... kal penn would be the first one to come to mind... until you read further in the article that he "doesnt count". wtf, if you cant talk about harold and kumar go to white castle upon an introductory conversation, what CAN you talk about? (just kidding. i actually hate that movie. despise, in fact. it's disgusting and NOT funny. just a friendly fyi.) hmm. maybe, actually, i can start talking up dev patel. he's only adorable. and i know slumdog millionaire inside out.

3. Favorite actress - you CAN claim aishwaraya rai, but since she has a reputation for being a major diva, it'll be safer to go with others like rani mukherjee or kareena kapoor.
-finally, something i can agree with. i. cant. stand. aishwaraya. rai. i really dont understand what all the hype is about. i dont think she's all that pretty and let's just say that she's not the smartest one of the lot. sigh whatever. i have no idea who kareena kapoor is so screw that option. rani mukherjee it is. granted, all i know is that she is gorgeous and married to a model husband (i think) so you KNOW that conversation will be coming to a rather speedy end. whatever, worst case, i can just talk about shoot i forget her name... the girl main character of, again, slumdog millionaire. (are you guys noticing a slight trend here with all these points and how it's all coming back to the one indian movie ive seen multiple times?)

4. Favorite Hindi movie - they recommend kuch kuch hota hai, but also recommend three idiots (which recently came out)... going to see a straight up Hindi movie in a big screen theater in the US will also apparently score some major points...
-dear lord. i havent heard about kuch kuch hota hai since undergrad. but let's just say, i have never heard so MUCH about an indian movie. i mean, people were obsessed with this thing (including my one white turned indian friend that i mentioned earlier). she was reciting lines from the movie and everything. and one of my other indian friends had posters of this movie in his apartment/dorm room... i was confused, let's be honest. let's just say that seeing this movie title made me sigh and shake my head. i didnt see the movie back then, i will NOT be seeing it now. therefore, there goes that conversation point. now, three idiots. ive heard from EVERYone that it's really good... particularly people whose opinions i trust greatly. therefore, maybe ill try to shove in a viewing of three idiots sometime this week so that i can have some idea of where to begin when talking about this... i can only BS so much, let's be honest here.

5. Bhangra - learn how to bhangra and you're golden with an indian person. (haha get it? GOLDEN? Indian?? GOLDEN brown skin??? ahh!!! i love it!!! hahah)
-okay, this point i must agree with. im not nearly coordinated enough to do the "traditional" bhangra dance (screw that lightbulb! pet that dog! screw that lightbulb! pet that dog!... yeah, no.), i do love me some bhangra/indian music. i cant understand a word of these songs (i mean, who are we kidding here) but i do love those beats. and indian music is totally starting to get incorporated into a lot of hip hop music... and you KNOW nothing will come between me and my hip hop music...

6. Food - Indians love their food. It's difficult to make, so going out for an Indian meal will score major points. It's a risk, though, as most Indian people only love their homemade Indian food.
-omg i love love love indian food. ironic, because i was not the biggest fan of it whilst growing up. maybe it's grown on me or something. but i agree with the above disclaimers. im VERY particular about eating out for indian food. there's just so many things that can go wrong with indian spices, that it's so hard to get it right. that said, it's also understandably difficult to even consider making indian food unless youre an indian aunty or something. yum i sure could go for some chicken tikka masala right about now...

7. Language - Indians love when you speak their language.
-oh forget it. with this point, i give up. even i have my limits of dignity. i can just imagine myself attempting to speak hindi to someone and offending them for how awful it would come across. and i would never want to actually offend someone!

so, in conclusion, from this article i've learned of the VERY few things that im informed enough to hold a conversation with an indian person about. and, let's face it, the amount of knowledge i have on those few things would get the conversation to about minute 3... and, come to think of it, i hope that my conversation partner has seen/enjoyed slumdog millionaire because that's going to be the bread and butter of any/all such convos. sigh. oh well. at least it's something... because you KNOW i can just go on and on and on (and on and on) about that little boy main character in slumdog millionaire... but that will inevitably just lead to me bringing up my outdated grand August 4, 2007 life plan which will inevitably only scare my audience...

oh forget it. i give up. ill just politely (not to mention, silently) sit and eat my chicken tikka masala while bopping to some indian (hopefully mixed with hip hop. dear god, if it's NOT mixed with hip hop, i just dont know what im going to do) music.

wish me luck - i'll need every ounce of it! im scared...