the freeze week diet

can i just tell you how annoyed i get with all these ridiculous fad diets, diet pills, weight loss surgeries, etc that seem to crop up on a daily basis? i mean, it's just. not. healthy. not like im the screaming image of health (yes, i will occasionally still eat a cookie for breakfast), but still. im a firm believer that in order to lose weight, it's gotta be a LIFESTYLE change... words of wisdom that i heard a few years ago from the one and only... jennifer aniston. sigh. i wish people would start taking her a little more seriously. i mean, she's more than just a pretty face and she really deserves a lot more respect from the media than has been given to her after that whole brangelina debacle (ugh, don't even GET me started on THAT shady snafu of a relationship).

ah, but i digress.

okay, so as far as diets are concerned, you clearly know where i stand. no diet will be as fulfilling nor as sustainable as a lifestyle change toward healthier choices. disclaimer: done. HOWEVER, if you MUST continue to be tempted by the diet route, do i have the diet for you. 100% effective, 0% recommended (i mean, it's essentially inadvertent starvation. but whatever). id like to take this opportunity to unveil, in all its glory... da da daaaaa... the freeze week diet.

ah freeze week. what could freeze week possibly mean? well, let's just say that, for my job, any issues that are encountered with these databases we work with throughout the month MUST be resolved come mid-month for reporting purposes. in other words, it's crunch time, BABY!

ive noticed that it's around this time of the month (freeze week, just to clarify for all those guys reading this who were likely bracing for a VERY awkward blog post... haha) that my stomach gets a little bit flatter, my charlie brown cheeks a tad gaunter, my pants just that much baggier... well, you get the idea. i always just thought this was finally starting to be the result of my exercise regimen and healthier (not quite healthy, just yet, let's be honest here, i can always eat a cupcake :)) eating habits. but then, sigh, somehow, my stomach would somehow plump back up, cheeks would resume their... well, shall we say, natural fullness, and the pants would resume standard fitting norms.

it was only after this most recent mid-month time that it totally dawned on me: freeze week. freeze week was totally the secret.

i mean, let's be honest, when stress levels are heightened, nothing will get in the way of me and my work. and by nothing, i mean... nothing. i will work more hours in lieu of running (which, let's face it, i CAN'T skimp out on now! one week without running and im DYING after attempting a mile... i dont have time for this kind of reversion... i have a 5k next week!)... i will refrain from drinking water (which, believe it or not, ive actually started doing now) because i dont have time to go to the kitchen to refill my bottle (although, on a brighter note, i will also refrain from drinking coffee for the same 'lack of time to go to the kitchen' reasoning, which i guess is a good thing)... i will skip/forget about lunch due to the all-too-quickly-approaching deadline... i will eat something along the lines of pita chips for dinner as i will have no time to go to the grocery store after work... well, you get the idea.

how in the world do i concentrate, with so little sustenance? here's the beauty of this week- half the time my stomach is in knots, consumed with the terror of missing some sort of data check (glamorous, i know), SO i dont really even NOTICE my lack of food/water intake! a-mazing, right?? i mean, isn't this the secret formula to any and every diet??

man, i must sound like the most stable person alive, at this point. but whatever. all i have to say is, come the end of freeze week, i sometimes just gaze in the mirror, pat my nicely flattened stomach and think, "wow. i certainly am looking GOOD these days!" i did that just this past friday, in fact. haha. juuust kidding. well. okay, so im not kidding. im actually sadly, very sadly, serious. (oh god, this totally isn't helping my whole push for coming across as the picture of stability, is it?)

but whatever. complete and total vanity aside, at least i can find the positives involved with the beauty of freeze week, right?

in gratitude of freeze week-
christie

bikram yoga, oreo milkshakes

so my friend and i had the brilliant idea of expanding our horizons. rather than the standard dinner/coffee dates, we decided to somewhat randomly embark into the wonderful, yet highly foreign although somewhat exotic, world of... bikram yoga. im all about trying new things at least once. and with this whole running kick that im apparently on (and by "running kick" i mean that i have no idea why i signed up for a half marathon in september. sigh. it's not been one of my brightest ideas in life, let's just leave it at that.), i totally was all about expanding my exercising horizons. i feel like im fairly physically flexible for an average individual (i can touch my toes with straight legs- how much more flexible do i really need to be?), and ive taken yoga before (i always fell asleep at the end when we were supposed to be "centering ourselves" or whatever), so really, all signs were pointing to a big fat yes, christie, go for it. expand those horizons. explore your neighborhood (the studio is literally two blocks from my apartment). be a loyal friend. be active.

big, fat ha.

now, dont get me wrong. the class started out quite delightfully when one of the more beautifully sculpted men ive ever witnessed in my life hopped onto the big platform in the center of the classroom and busted out his hearty (in a soothing tone- i mean, he IS a yoga instructor, at the end of the day) welcome to us all in, get this, his NORWEGIAN ACCENT. omg, i wanted to melt. well, i kind of already literally was but you know what i mean... but wtf, i knew it was supposed to get hot hot HOT (up to 105 degrees in the studio, apparently) but i figured id be able to handle it. i will readily acknowledge that im a wimp in heat (who really likes to sweat? come on) but i figured if all we're doing is a couple of downward facing dogs and lotus blossoms or whatever other stretchy type poses these yoga gurus got going on, how difficult would it really be to withstand the heat?

pretty difficult, to answer my own question. pretty. darn. f'ing. crotch-kickin'. difficult. so difficult, in fact, that i lasted exactly twenty seven minutes (oh yes, i certainly did check the clock as i was walking out) in what was supposed to be an hour and a half class. well, what's a girl supposed to do if she feels like she's going to faint... and puke... after just the WARM UP? man, good thing im pretty shameless, otherwise this would be quite the embarrassing story to be splaying out for all the world to read.

sigh. my poor newfound norwegian crush of an instructor... he all tried to flag me down as im peacing out of that classroom (thank GOD i was just a few yards away from the exit as opposed to on the complete opposite side of the room... i shudder at the thought) but, clearly, even hot norwegian guys were not going to be getting in my way. that's right, i just blatantly ignored his valiant efforts encouraging me to stay with a simple, dismissive wave of my hand (i mean, i could barely breathe, let alone get out a coherent sentence at that point). i mean, did the man not understand??

i. needed. OUT.

so, using my every last ounce, i finally pushed open those double doors and... ahhhh. ive never been so grateful for fresh air in my life. as i continued my recuperation process (you think im kidding, but i really was still experiencing shortness of breath... although the nausea had subsided as soon as i walked out into the fresh air, thanks for your concern) in the brilliant, COMFORTABLE warmth of the late evening sunshine as i began walking home, i realized i was dying of thirst. maybe this was another reason for my lack of stamina in this class- success in bikram yoga is essentially driven by hydration, which, i mean, let's face it, im not exactly the model citizen of here (please refer to blog entry "the list of things that i dont like that most normal people do... subsection: water"). man, i thought. i really could go for a glass of water right about now (and i NEVER have that thought, i can 100% assure you.). this thought happened upon me as i found myself walking by, oh look at that, potbelly's. now, it's not all that long a trek to my apartment (literally, two blocks), but if potbelly's is right THERE, then why delay a basic human need? so of course, throwing all willpower to the wind, i walk into potbelly's, all ready set to just ask for a cup of water at the counter. the next thing i hear coming out of my mouth, however, is something along the lines of "could i get an oreo milkshake? oh, and could you make it extra thick? with extra oreos? and just a few little extra cookies on the lid?" (*smile/wink*... it really does go a long way, let me tell you)... or something like that. not verbatim or anything. hmm. not exactly the cup of water i was going for but this was clearly one of my (several) instances of verbal vomit, where i truly believe i have no control over what im saying. none.

come to think of it, as i sit here writing this, one hour and fifteen minutes after my bikram yoga debacle, i STILL havent gotten to my glass of water. but man, was that oreo milkshake quite satisfying. tasty deliciousness, if you will. and, im not going to lie, the guilt i feel from consuming a milkshake? 0%. big fat 0. because, quite frankly, i believe every gram of fat, every calorie consumed from that milkshake is still being burned off after my fleeting brush with deat- oh! slip of the tongue. ahem. bikram yoga. my mistake.

in gratitude of oreo milkshakes and, well, not dying-

christie

gretchen rubin wrote me back!!!

alskdfjkl!! i can't remember the last time that i wrote to an author, possibly because the last time was sometime back in my obsessive sweet valley high days, where darn old francine pascal (creator, but not author, of the series- just to clarify for many other misinformed individuals) would just ignore letter after letter that was sent from seven-year-old me... and then thirteen-year-old me... and then sixteen-year-old me... and then... well, im just going to stop right there. it's already fairly embarassing enough. (should i even divulge that i have the sweet valley twins mystery "the curse of the ruby necklace" sitting on my bedside table right now? eh, oh well. gretchen rubin started her own children's lit book club. i could just start my own 'adults who are still obsessed with the babysitters club and sweet valley series (in its entirety- twins, high, university...)' book club.

ah, but i digress.

ANYWAY! gretchen rubin, author of "The Happiness Project", the book ive only been actively advocating since i picked it up last week, totally responded to my email! id even prefaced my email with "i know you probably get hundreds of emails a day" (no exaggeration! i bet she does! hello! she's a ny times bestseller... not to mention, she's being interviewed right and left for only like one of the greater works of the decade here!) but lo and behold, i open up my gmail this delightful monday morning to a letter from the one and only gretchen herself!!! i cant TELL you how pleased i was to receive a response, not to mention such a QUICK response (i wrote to her yesterday morning!). and you think it was just a form letter? hell no! i would rather receive no response than a darn form letter. but gretch clearly knows better than that! she totally referred to a couple of my email's points and everything.

words can't express just how PLEASED (or, dare i say, GRATEFUL) i am right now. the novelty of a genuine letter/email from an author i admire so much has NOT worn off. so thank you, gretchen rubin. i thought it was good enough that you graced us with such a lovely work. now you've only further confirmed how wonderful and considerate a person you are.